Saturday, December 13, 2008
Finally having some answers but will they bring me peace??
Well I got all of the results finally after what seems to be an eternity. The official cause of death is a lung hemorrage apparently caused by the umbilical cord being wrapped too tightly around his neck. It was wrapped around his neck twice upon his delivery but it wasn't tight so we did not think that it was the cause. There was also a small blockage in the cord. My high blood pressure had nothing to do with it. It brings me some relief as I know that there was absolutely nothing that could have been done, yet I find myself skeptical of the answers. I am told that this means I would not be as high a risk should I become pregnant again but I guess we will see.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
The journey of TTC
Well it has been over 5 months now since I lost my son. First off, let me say that I would not wish what I went through on my worse enemy. I feel like I have aged yet another 10 years. I have decided that I will try to have another baby. I guess I took it for granted that I would get pregnant right away, yet here I am still trying. My desire to have another baby is not to replace my son but having lost him I know that having a baby at this stage in my life is what is needed. My days are consumed with conception thoughts and I worry that my maternal life will be over with this tragic ending. I think I need to prove that I can do it right. I am told that there will be a lesson learned form this. What possible lesson is there?
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Letter to mom Poem
Mom, please don’t feel guilty It was just my time to go.I see you are still feeling sad,And the tears just seem to flow.
We all come to earth for our lifetime,And for some it’s not many years I don’t want you to keep crying You are shedding so many tears.
I haven’t really left you Even though it may seem so.I have just gone to my heavenly home,And I’m closer to you than you know.
Just believe that when you say my name I’m standing next to you, I know you long to see me, But there’s nothing I can do.
But I’ll still send you messages And hope you understand,That when your time comes to “cross over,”I’ll be there to take your hand.
We all come to earth for our lifetime,And for some it’s not many years I don’t want you to keep crying You are shedding so many tears.
I haven’t really left you Even though it may seem so.I have just gone to my heavenly home,And I’m closer to you than you know.
Just believe that when you say my name I’m standing next to you, I know you long to see me, But there’s nothing I can do.
But I’ll still send you messages And hope you understand,That when your time comes to “cross over,”I’ll be there to take your hand.
Horrible News
June 18th -scheduled 3D ultrasound.
I was so looking forward to this day. My sister in law and my mother in law came with me to have a look. I had ordered the deluxe package complete with CD/DVD's. I was 28 weeks. I had been to my midwife just 5 days before and all was great. I layed down on the table and the ultrasound technician started to use the probe on my stomach. I had music picked out. She was moving the probe round and round and I knew something wasn't right. She asked me if I was feeling the baby move. I said yes just that morning. She asked if I was sure. I started to panic. My ears were ringing and I thought I was going to vomit. She told me to go to the hospital .I went to my midwife first and asked her to try to find the heartbeat. At first she thought she had it but it was just mine going 120 beats per minute. She told me that sometimes babies are just in a weird position and not to panic. Another midwife took over her clients and she came to the hospital with me. My SIL and MIL called my husband and he met us there. A OB/GYN arrived within the hour and confirmed our worse fears, our son was gone. I am pretty sure the noise that came out of me wasn't human at that point but those first few moments are hard to remember. I do remember seeing my husband cry for the first time in his life and immediately saying "We will try again." I wanted my son. My MIL and SIL were crying too. My children were at home and decisions had to be made. Some were made for me. I would have to be induced and would have to deliver. I waited for my children to show up so I could tell them . They came and while everyone sat around and stared at me, I got to tell my children that their sibling would not be coming home because he had died. My daughter started bawling and my oldest had tears in his eyes, my other 2 boys just looked like they just didn't want to be there. We told them what would happen regarding the delivery and told them they could come back. After they left the Dr inserted a tablet on my cervix to induce my labour. He had to redo this step 3x before it took effect. I was surrounded by wonderful nurses and 2 midwives during my 15 hour labour. They hung a butterfly on my door so everyone would know that my baby had died. Surprising to me, delivering a baby @ 28 weeks is almost as painful as delivering a full term one. My dear son was born on June 19th just past 6:00am. He weighed 1.6 pounds and was 15 inches long. I wouldn't look at first, I was afraid, I had never seen a dead baby and assumed he would look scary or something would be wrong with him. He was perfect. He had my husbands nose but my brown eyes. He had huge hands and big feet. He was beautiful to me. They said his cord had been wrapped around his neck 2.5 x but it wasn't tight. The placenta was small and was delivered at the same time as him. Right away I was full of questions as to what had happened. They blamed my blood pressure but I didn't understand as I knew so many women that had suffered from it and had delivered healthy children. Why me? I got to hold him and they took lots of pictures. My daughter is the only one of my children that wanted to see him. She really took it hard. After a few hours we were able to leave the hospital. I ordred an autopsy and proceeded to be wheeled out of the hospital with empty arms. All I felt like was that everyone was staring at me and that I had failed as a mother. We went home and waited for the funeral home to call. I wanted him cremated so I could bring him home with me. We had his ashes put in a baby bootie. I did not have a service as I did not want to see anyone at all including family. Then I tried to find the courage to keep going on. Thank God for my other children as without them I would have had no desire to remain on this earth and probably would have joined my son. I know that is harsh but that is how I felt/feel.
I was so looking forward to this day. My sister in law and my mother in law came with me to have a look. I had ordered the deluxe package complete with CD/DVD's. I was 28 weeks. I had been to my midwife just 5 days before and all was great. I layed down on the table and the ultrasound technician started to use the probe on my stomach. I had music picked out. She was moving the probe round and round and I knew something wasn't right. She asked me if I was feeling the baby move. I said yes just that morning. She asked if I was sure. I started to panic. My ears were ringing and I thought I was going to vomit. She told me to go to the hospital .I went to my midwife first and asked her to try to find the heartbeat. At first she thought she had it but it was just mine going 120 beats per minute. She told me that sometimes babies are just in a weird position and not to panic. Another midwife took over her clients and she came to the hospital with me. My SIL and MIL called my husband and he met us there. A OB/GYN arrived within the hour and confirmed our worse fears, our son was gone. I am pretty sure the noise that came out of me wasn't human at that point but those first few moments are hard to remember. I do remember seeing my husband cry for the first time in his life and immediately saying "We will try again." I wanted my son. My MIL and SIL were crying too. My children were at home and decisions had to be made. Some were made for me. I would have to be induced and would have to deliver. I waited for my children to show up so I could tell them . They came and while everyone sat around and stared at me, I got to tell my children that their sibling would not be coming home because he had died. My daughter started bawling and my oldest had tears in his eyes, my other 2 boys just looked like they just didn't want to be there. We told them what would happen regarding the delivery and told them they could come back. After they left the Dr inserted a tablet on my cervix to induce my labour. He had to redo this step 3x before it took effect. I was surrounded by wonderful nurses and 2 midwives during my 15 hour labour. They hung a butterfly on my door so everyone would know that my baby had died. Surprising to me, delivering a baby @ 28 weeks is almost as painful as delivering a full term one. My dear son was born on June 19th just past 6:00am. He weighed 1.6 pounds and was 15 inches long. I wouldn't look at first, I was afraid, I had never seen a dead baby and assumed he would look scary or something would be wrong with him. He was perfect. He had my husbands nose but my brown eyes. He had huge hands and big feet. He was beautiful to me. They said his cord had been wrapped around his neck 2.5 x but it wasn't tight. The placenta was small and was delivered at the same time as him. Right away I was full of questions as to what had happened. They blamed my blood pressure but I didn't understand as I knew so many women that had suffered from it and had delivered healthy children. Why me? I got to hold him and they took lots of pictures. My daughter is the only one of my children that wanted to see him. She really took it hard. After a few hours we were able to leave the hospital. I ordred an autopsy and proceeded to be wheeled out of the hospital with empty arms. All I felt like was that everyone was staring at me and that I had failed as a mother. We went home and waited for the funeral home to call. I wanted him cremated so I could bring him home with me. We had his ashes put in a baby bootie. I did not have a service as I did not want to see anyone at all including family. Then I tried to find the courage to keep going on. Thank God for my other children as without them I would have had no desire to remain on this earth and probably would have joined my son. I know that is harsh but that is how I felt/feel.
From the beginning....
Before I was even 30 years old I had been married, gave birth to four children and was divorced. I thought that stage of my life was over. Last year on September 29th I got remarried to Paul. He has 2 children of his own. A 22 year old son and an 18 year old daughter. We had the discussion about children and we had decided that we had enough between us . We didn't do anything permanently about it though. Christmas came and went last year and I kind of had a feeling that I might be pregnant. We were using the Today sponge and I know that it isn't 100%. Obviously. On New Years Eve I found out I was expecting. Wow, I was so excited but a little scared. I had just started a new job in May and I was unsure of what a pregnancy would be like at my advanced maternal age of 36. I mean 35 seems to be the cut off even though we all know 40 is the new 35. Anyway we were both happy and that it was kind of neat to have one between the 2 of us. So my pregnancy journey began and everything was going along tickityboo. I was seeing a midwife as my last daughter was born at home. I had never suffered any complications during my pregnancies so surely I was a perfect candidate for midwivery. I had a feeling right from the start that this pregnancy was going to be different. At my 6 week ultrasound they discovered a blighted ovum with another live fetus. So not only did I get pregnant accidentally once but twice!! They told me not too worry about the blighted ovum though. They said it happens all the time. I mean did I really think I could handle 2 of them? At least I had 1 healthy. I passed all my screenings with flying colours. They said I had the same risks as someone in their 20's. At my 20 week ultrasound I found out I was having a boy. That made me a little sad. A lot of people around me wanted me to have a girl since I have 1 girl and 3 boys. I didn't care but their reactions were hard to take. The ultrasound technician said there was something about my boy that was especially cute. She happened to have 2 garbage bags of boy clothes in her car that she was going to drop off at the second hand store that were all brand name. Did I want them? Well I can't turn anything away that is for free. People at work started giving me their stuff as well since they knew I didn't have anything as we were starting all over again. My appts were an hour in length once a month and then changed to bi-weekly after the 20th week. I was growing huge and was packing on the pounds at a rather alarming rate. My blood pressure started to go up. I was referred to a high risk OB/GYN and was put on medication to bring down my blood pressure. I was seeing the midwife and the OB/GYN on a weekly basis. They assured everything was going well. My son's heartbeat was strong, my belly was growing and my blood pressure had stabilized to a normal level.All I had to do was get the room ready and wait. I was spending a small fortune and had everything all ready including the playpen, carseat, stroller, swing, jolly jumper, bassinette, and too many clothes that I am sure he would outgrow before he had a chance to wear them. If I only knew...
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