Horrible News

June 18th -scheduled 3D ultrasound.
I was so looking forward to this day. My sister in law and my mother in law came with me to have a look. I had ordered the deluxe package complete with CD/DVD's. I was 28 weeks. I had been to my midwife just 5 days before and all was great. I layed down on the table and the ultrasound technician started to use the probe on my stomach. I had music picked out. She was moving the probe round and round and I knew something wasn't right. She asked me if I was feeling the baby move. I said yes just that morning. She asked if I was sure. I started to panic. My ears were ringing and I thought I was going to vomit. She told me to go to the hospital .I went to my midwife first and asked her to try to find the heartbeat. At first she thought she had it but it was just mine going 120 beats per minute. She told me that sometimes babies are just in a weird position and not to panic. Another midwife took over her clients and she came to the hospital with me. My SIL and MIL called my husband and he met us there. A OB/GYN arrived within the hour and confirmed our worse fears, our son was gone. I am pretty sure the noise that came out of me wasn't human at that point but those first few moments are hard to remember. I do remember seeing my husband cry for the first time in his life and immediately saying "We will try again." I wanted my son. My MIL and SIL were crying too. My children were at home and decisions had to be made. Some were made for me. I would have to be induced and would have to deliver. I waited for my children to show up so I could tell them . They came and while everyone sat around and stared at me, I got to tell my children that their sibling would not be coming home because he had died. My daughter started bawling and my oldest had tears in his eyes, my other 2 boys just looked like they just didn't want to be there. We told them what would happen regarding the delivery and told them they could come back. After they left the Dr inserted a tablet on my cervix to induce my labour. He had to redo this step 3x before it took effect. I was surrounded by wonderful nurses and 2 midwives during my 15 hour labour. They hung a butterfly on my door so everyone would know that my baby had died. Surprising to me, delivering a baby @ 28 weeks is almost as painful as delivering a full term one. My dear son was born on June 19th just past 6:00am. He weighed 1.6 pounds and was 15 inches long. I wouldn't look at first, I was afraid, I had never seen a dead baby and assumed he would look scary or something would be wrong with him. He was perfect. He had my husbands nose but my brown eyes. He had huge hands and big feet. He was beautiful to me. They said his cord had been wrapped around his neck 2.5 x but it wasn't tight. The placenta was small and was delivered at the same time as him. Right away I was full of questions as to what had happened. They blamed my blood pressure but I didn't understand as I knew so many women that had suffered from it and had delivered healthy children. Why me? I got to hold him and they took lots of pictures. My daughter is the only one of my children that wanted to see him. She really took it hard. After a few hours we were able to leave the hospital. I ordred an autopsy and proceeded to be wheeled out of the hospital with empty arms. All I felt like was that everyone was staring at me and that I had failed as a mother. We went home and waited for the funeral home to call. I wanted him cremated so I could bring him home with me. We had his ashes put in a baby bootie. I did not have a service as I did not want to see anyone at all including family. Then I tried to find the courage to keep going on. Thank God for my other children as without them I would have had no desire to remain on this earth and probably would have joined my son. I know that is harsh but that is how I felt/feel.